Uncle Herbert's Extra-Rowdy Funeral\ (copyright 2000 by Adam Selzer. All rights reserved. ASCAP) Uncle Herbert died and the funeral was last night None of us had ever seen such an awful sight As when cousin joe and cousin larry came to blows Over which of them would get the seats in the front row Uncle Herbert never was a really peaceful type I guess we had him go out just the way he lived his life       chorus (after each verse): We all had a great time despite all of the fights At Uncle Herbert's Extra-Rowdy funeral last night Some guy was selling hot dogs, some guy was selling coke Some guy was taking bets on whether Larry would kill Joe They were really fighting, and commenced to throwing chairs Fighting over front seats that now weren't even there And one of the flying chairs hit Herbert in the head Left a nasty dent, but what did he care? He was dead! Aunt Vera seemed to think she was a psychic or a seer She went to read his palm for reasons that were not too clear She said "nobody better say he was too young to go According to his palm he should have died two years ago!" Then she went off to his house, the reason that she did Is that according to his wealth line, he had some money hid! The organist was boring, cousin Gladys took control Beat her up, sat down and started playing "Heart and Soul" Grandpa Joseph's eulogy was just a string of swears The preacher ran off screaming, but no one seemed to care Uncle Paddy sat in back and said "For heaven's sake! I haven't had this much fun since Tim Finnegan's wake!" The color commentator said "The moon is bright and full All in all a beautiful evening for a funeral The widow's sitting in the corner, trying not to cry And gothic cousin Charlotte is giving Herb the eye Cousin Joe is punching Cousin Larry in the face And the corpse is decomposing at a world record pace!" The fight kept going all night, til the cops showed up at five We're all banned from the funeral home as long as we're alive Some of us are jailbirds now, to Christmas we can't come Cousin Joe told Cousin Larry "See you at Thanksgiving, chum!" I know that I'll die some day and I hope that when I do The family will give me an extra-rowdy funeral too!