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A SOUL IS ONLY ETERNAL IF YOU LOSE YOUR RECEIPT By Adam Selzer I am sometimes accused of having an old soul. When I listen to Rudy Vallee, or watch Mary Pickford movies, or drink my coffee black, they say "you have an old soul." But they're only half right - I used to have one. Old as a gaslight, old as a wooden thimble. I got it at a place on 8th street called No Wine - Just Spirits. Winos could go in and sell their souls for 40 bucks and they'd go right onto the rack. I went in looking for something with rhythm, but after browsing the celebrity section I came upon a grey one that caught my eye, huddled up behind some newer ones. "Oh, that's a nice choice," said the man behind the counter "Old as a gaslight, old as a wooden thimble." They let me have it for $59.98 plus tax. And then, when I stopped to watch squirrels, people would say "You have an old soul." When I hummed bars from Don Giovanni Read books by dead Russians And stayed home watching PBS on weekends, the people all said "he has an old soul." I felt very wise, and I called the kids "whippersnappers." But the old soul didn't fit as well as I'd hoped. It made me eat big bowls of fiber for dinner, It got me out of bed three times a night to pee, And I suddenly needed viagra. Or I would have, had the need arisen. So I put it in a milk crate and took it back to 8th street. The man behind the counter smiled at me, though I could tell he didn't recognize me. He held up a pair of tongs that glowed beneath the gaslight above and asked if I'd come to sell my soul. I told him No, I'm not here to sell my soul. I'd just like to exchange it. Since I'd kept my receipt, they let me trade it in for credit And he showed me a line of fresh souls that had just come in "As new as the early dawn! Bright, glowing, not a blemish!" (How did they get them so fresh and pure? Did they buy them from toddlers?) But I'm still looking. I want something older. Not old like a wooden thimble. But older than a bright red morning. A soul is no fun without a blemish or two. January 2003 |