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Born in 1980, Adam grew up in the suburbs of Des Moines and now lives in Chicago. He spent his teenage years and a chunk of his twenties working
one nametag job after another, including Olympic parking lot greeter, grocery bagger, barista, waiter, busboy, office grunt, merchandiser, and retail clerk. As a pizza delivery man in Milledgeville, his rounds included
seven prisons and a mental hospital that was once the largest such institution in the world. They did not tip well. He once saw Ethel Merman naked. In 1986, as a contestant on Double Dare, he nearly choked to death trying to eat a four-foot-long piece of spaghetti. The episode never aired, and Nickelodeon still won't acknowledge that the event ever took place. When asked what he wants to do with his life, he says that he wants to be a starving artist. The only way to screw that up is to be a rich artist. He is occasionally known to dress up as "Obi-Wan Quixote." He starred in a musical version of "Deliverance." He was the inspiration for the movie "Bedtime for Bonzo," which starred Ronald Reagan and a chimpanzee. He moved a rubber tree plant nearly 14 feet in 1987. He shot a bottle rocket which, briefly, orbited the moon. He collects Atari games, and once bought a Donkey Kong arcade machine for twenty bucks at Goodwill. He is the national "Ghostbuster Baseball" champion. He saw the best minds of his generation destroyed by The Blob. He once danced gaily about the palace with the King of Siam. He ran for Mayor of McDonaldland, but was beaten out by Mr. McCheese. He lost his early lead by being unable to identify what Grimace was supposed to be (he has, since then, heavily researched the theory that Grimace used to be a milkshake thief named The Evil Grimace. Research indicates that he originally lived in a cave, had six arms, and stole people's shakes. If you have information or a photo proving this, PLEASE send it in! Click HERE to see the photo submitted by an unnamed source.) He once hopped a freight train from Dribble, AL to Tinklescent, OK. He once assited in the building of a monument to the Loch Ness Monster. The color of the paint used on the base was called "monument." This inspired him to become a paint-color-namer, a job he held for nearly thirty years. He is often mistaken for Richard Dreyfuss. He is the second cowboy from the left in the famous "Lost Thunderbird Photo." He is known to be a "terrible dancer with two right feet." As a small child, he discovered six dinosaur bones, two lost cities, and a busted tractor while digging in his sandbox. He was a close friend and confidant of Franklin D. Roosevelt. Almost nobody beats him at tetherball. He has actually been to North Dakota. In 1992, he swam to Italy to help start the Dada movement. Things went well until it was discovered that Dada had been started decades ago. In 1999, he gave police information which led to the capture and conviction of The Blair Witch. As a college freshman, he was kicked out of his dormitory when someone told the RA that he was a communist. At the age of 7, he was an up-and-coming gymnast. He once became an indentured servant to several peasants who caught him on their property in 1547. At 18, he and his friend Ryan Clark started Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, which became America's Favorite Teenage Traditional Folk Duo. In one hour, he beat two men with cities in their names at pool (Seattle Phil and Toledo Taylor), as well as a man named for a Canadian territory (Saskatchewan Sal). In 1987, he was reported to have died of old age. It turned out that he had faked his own death. He is a noted acrobat. As a hobby, he makes prank phone calls to the corporate offices of Wal Mart and The Gap. He didn't completely fit it at Gothcon 2000 (at the unbearably creepy Quality Inn on Peachtree Street), but had a good time anyway. He owns Jim Morrison's old doorbell. Blank Tape investors send him a nice card every now and then. He eats an awful lot of cereal, and has boxes of Count Chocula, BooBerry and Frankenberry on his wall. On two occasions, he went trick-or-treating dressed as a building. Neither occasion happened to be Halloween. His first band was called Supernatural Anarchy, a metal-type band in which he sang and played lead bass. His second band, Scapegoat, was, for lack of a better term, punk. He recorded his first solo album, "At Night All Cats are Grey," on a two-figure budget. He kicked Al Capone's butt at a game of Chutes and Ladders. He invented the stove.
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All material on these pages copyrighted 1998-2005 by Adam Selzer, all rights reserved. All songs ASCAP.
