WHO IS THIS GUY?

Adam Selzer was born in the majestic metropolis of Des Moines in 1980, and now lives in downtown Chicago, where he spends his days writing, playing music, and trying to recite the missions statements of his various employers with a straight face. His first book will be published by Delacorte Press (Random House) in Spring, 2007.

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT ADAM:
Adam's parents were wild orangutans. They tried their hardest.

He once saw Ethel Merman naked.

In 1986, as a contestant on Double Dare, he nearly choked to death trying to eat a four-foot-long piece of spaghetti. The episode never aired, and Nickelodeon still won't acknowledge that the event ever took place.

When asked what he wants to do with his life, he says that he wants to be a starving artist. The only way to screw that up is to be a rich artist.

He starred in a musical version of "Deliverance."

He was the inspiration for the movie "Bedtime for Bonzo," which starred Ronald Reagan and a chimpanzee.

He moved a rubber tree plant nearly 14 feet in 1987.

Living in downtown Chicago, he has no need for a car.

He has dined with princes and performed before the crowned heads of Europe.

He once spent a whole summer teaching tourists about President Lyndon B. Johnson.

He was sentenced to 10 years of hard labor for impersonating an assistant manager at a Forrest Gump-themed restaurant.

He narrowly avoided being attacked by a giant mutant spider in the first grade, and then again in seventh grade.

He once made money off a pyramid scheme (by blackmailing the guy on top).

He saw the best minds of his generation destroyed by The Blob.

He once danced merrily about the palace with the King of Siam.

He ran for Mayor of McDonaldland, but was beaten out by Mr. McCheese. He lost his early lead by being unable to identify what Grimace was supposed to be (he has, since then, heavily researched the theory that Grimace used to be a milkshake thief named The Evil Grimace. Research indicates that he originally lived in a cave, had six arms, and stole people's shakes. If you have information or a photo proving this, PLEASE send it in! Click HERE to see the photo submitted by an unnamed source.)
(and see here to see Adam's poem, "Howl (for Mayor McCheese)"

He once hopped a freight train from Dribble, AL to Tinklescent, OK.

He got kicked out of Wal-Mart for dressing like a coal miner and walking around with a cardboard sign that said "union."

He is often mistaken for Richard Dreyfuss.

He is also occasionally mistaken (really) for Daniel Radcliff.

He is the second cowboy from the left in the famous "Lost Thunderbird Photo."

He is known to be a "terrible dancer with two right feet."

As a small child, he discovered six dinosaur bones, two lost cities, and a busted tractor while digging in his sandbox.

He was a close friend and confidant of Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Almost nobody beats him at tetherball.

He has actually been to North Dakota.

In 1992, he swam to Italy to help start the Dada movement. Things went well until it was discovered that Dada had been started decades ago. Today, the attempt is considered to be a shiney power tool.

As a college freshman, he was kicked out of his dormitory when someone told the RA that he was a communist.

At the age of 7, he was an up-and-coming gymnast.

In one hour, he beat two men with cities in their names at pool (Seattle Phil and Toledo Taylor), as well as a man named for a Canadian territory (Saskatchewan Sal).

In 1987, he was reported to have died of old age. It turned out that he had faked his own death.

He is a noted acrobat.

As a hobby, he makes prank phone calls to the corporate offices of Wal Mart and The Gap.

He didn't exactly fit it at Gothcon 2000 (at the unbearably creepy Quality Inn on Peachtree Street), but had a good time anyway.

He eats an awful lot of cereal, and has boxes of Count Chocula, BooBerry and Frankenberry on his wall.

On two occasions, he went trick-or-treating dressed as a building. Neither occasion happened to be Halloween.

His first band was called Supernatural Anarchy, a metal-type band in which he sang and played lead bass. His second band, Scapegoat, was, for lack of a better term, punk.

He recorded his first solo album, "At Night All Cats are Grey," on a two-figure budget.